New Space

While I'm not sure there is enough people who read this blog to warrant this post, post it I shall. I have moved from BlogSpot over to Wordpress. I had the idea that a prettier, cleaner space would inspire me to write more, so off I went. This blog has been a space for me, for the past 7 years, to get thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, etc out of my mind and onto the page. It has helped me grow and kept those close to me involved with what is happening in my world. As I grow and mature, I feel it is only appropriate that my blog does the same. SO, if you happen to follow along here, hop on over to my new site and continue on the journey with me!

http://keishagansen.wordpress.com/

Taking Stock

 

Making lists. To do lists, dream lists, book lists, grocery/menu lists. Lists everywhere.
Drinking coffee and water and repeat.
Reading Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist and crying and laughing and identifying and learning with every page.
Wanting the weekend back. Monday’s are rough y’all.
Playing Sam Smith. Over and over and over.
Wishing that I could have a full week to process all the things going on in my head these days.
Enjoying setting up our home. Everyday it feels a little more like “US”.
Waiting for direction and open doors. 
Loving being married to my best friend. He just makes days better. 
Hoping for so much. Hope upon hope.
Marvelling at how the Lord works. How he takes our plans and ideas and wrecks them, then pulls back the branches to show us this beautiful path he has prepared for us.
Wearing the typical office day attire. Jeans, tank top, parka. (it's FREEZING in here. Always.)
Thinking that I wish I was by a body of water with a cold drink and a book instead of at a desk with florescent light overhead.
Feeling anxious & eager! I have so many ideas, so many thoughts, so many dreams swirling around in my head and my heart and I want to start getting some of them OUT!

 

"And on the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days"

 

 

-Ray Wylie Hubbard

Anticipation

Have you ever had that feeling in your gut, where you just KNOW something is about to happen. Your heart beats faster and your mind races and you feel like you are about to ride a roller coaster for the first time or walk down the aisle towards the person you love most. Full of anticipation. Full of hope. Overwhelmed with inspiration. It seems that everything you read was written just for you. Like you want to write down, record. remember every thought, every word read, every idea had. You can't sit still and you are sure you are about to explode or jump right out of your chair and run. Just run until you can't anymore, or jump and yell and dance. Anything to get the energy building up inside of you out. The future seems limitless and it's terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

That is me today. I feel like I'm just on the other side of a wall, where I'm about to turn the corner and see what's around it, but I'm just not quite there yet. But I can hear the music, I can hear the laughter and excitement and I know once I finally get there it will be worth the agonizing wait.

The best part, is I'm not gonna do it alone. I'm gonna look to my left and see the man I promised to love forever holding my hand, his eyes wild with excitement just like mine, and together we are about to step out into the biggest adventure of our lives. We may not be able to see it all clearly yet, but every day, every step, the picture gets clearer, the music gets louder, the big reveal is coming.

I now pronounce you....

It’s been one whole month since I got married to my best friend. Our wedding day was truly a dream come true and every time I think about it; I get a little misty eyed. There was so much love and support and joy that day and I just bubble over with thankfulness and smiles. That day is over now. It’s a part of the past and a memory that I will treasure forever. Since then, we have gone on an incredible honeymoon to Cabo, come home to a house full of boxes, unloaded some of those said boxes, gone back to work, cooked meals, cleaned floors and began to learn what marriage is. I can tell you what I have learned in my extensive time of being a wife.

 It’s fun. It’s fun living with your best friend, it’s fun setting up your own home, it’s fun having the fridge all to yourself, and it’s fun not having to wear pants all the time (sorry mom).

It’s safe. I have never felt so secure in Steve’s love for me. I can unashamedly be myself and know that his love is there to stay. He can see the ugly in me, the stubborn, the selfish and love me anyway. I can fall asleep and feel safe with him beside me. I can face the uncertainty of the future and know that I am safe with him by my side. There is such security in marriage.

It’s hard. Yep. I said it. It’s hard, really hard sometimes. Even in just one month, being married has challenged me. I have seen things in myself that I do not like. I have been grumpy, and irritable and selfish. I have had to let go of the idea that marriage would take away all my worries or sadness. It doesn’t.  I still get sad, I still struggle with the things I struggled with before. The difference is I can now either let my husband walk along side me through them, to let him be my teammate and support or I can hold them inside and let them slowly eat me alive, let them slowly affect my home life. Because now, my struggles, worries, fears, moods, are not just my own, they no longer affect only me. Through them I can choose JOY and let my home and marriage be a place of safety and encouragement and laughter and support or I can choose bitterness and walls and let my home be a place of silence and fear and eventual resentment. The choice is mine.

It’s humbling. There isn’t much more to say on that.

 

So there you have it, my big, huge revelations about marriage.

It's Good.

It's Good Friday. As I sit on my floor, the twinkle lights give my room just enough of a glow. My body aches from the workout I just finished and I take the last drink of water from my cup and I am overwhelmed. Today my Jesus walked to Calvary. His body ached from the lack of sleep, the walking, the beatings. He was nailed to a tree, a practice much more painful than we often let ourselves think about. He denied a drink to help numb the pain, he never said a word of protest, worst of all, he had done nothing wrong. This Jesus, fully man, fully God, who came to this broken world and loved it beyond comprehension was now sacrificing every. single. part of himself to save it. To save me. To make me worthy when I was worthless. To make me clean where I was the filthiest of rags. To make me His.

His blood flows over us, it screams "look at this love! Look at how much your worth to me!" And more times than not, we turn our backs. But today, today I choose to look fully on that love. To let it wash over me minute by minute. To remember and to be thankful. For that is all I can do. Show my thankfulness with my life, by giving it daily back to him. For all he asks for in return, is me.


Jesus paid it all, 
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow


O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead)3x
well praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead
Jesus

Breathe In. Breathe Out.

Joy. Gratefulness. These words seem to be irrevocably intertwined. This truth seems to be swept over me again and again. I see it everywhere; there is no joy without thankfulness walking right beside it.

It’s like a breath. You breathe in thankfulness, you breathe out joy. In and out. In and out. Sometimes life gets in the way, it seems to block our inhale and we have to fight to get the breath.  When we do, it’s sweet, like the biggest breath you take after coming up from underwater. It’s life giving and we must fight for it just as we would fight for air.

When your job makes you want to pull your hair out, breathe in. When your possessions seem to be breaking all at once, breathe in. On days where the tears fall, breathe in. When everything is going well, breathe in. Keep breathing until it becomes default.

 

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

They say that I'm a dreamer.....

She was a dreamer. Her head always filled with adventures and possibilities, with places to visit and jobs to try and people to meet.  While in her head she traveled the world and worked dream job after dream job while effortlessly having perfect hair (because let’s all be honest, our daydreams always include effortlessly perfect hair), she sat at a desk in a town she once loved and her heart longed for more.   

 

Oh, she loved her life. There was a boy who loved her and who she loved more than she thought she could ever outwardly express, and there was a wedding, and a new home, and a job where she liked the people she worked with and never had to wear a pant suit. There was a part of her, I think there would always be a part of her, that wanted to pack up (with future husband of course) and drive until they hit the ocean, buy the cheapest house they could find as close to the beach as possible and open a coffee shop. Or hop on a plane and cross the ocean to Ireland or Paris for a year.

 

Maybe one day they would or maybe not. I guess one can never truly know. The one thing she did know was that the world was calling to her. It was calling her to come explore it, to see its wonder, to love its people.

“Come and play”

Just Write

Just write. Write about fears and dreams. Write about feelings and moments and thoughts. Write. Chase. Remember.

 

Write about how the sun warming your skin makes you want to run and twirl and collapse in the grass to watch the clouds go by. Or how putting on your favorite sweater in comforting in a way you can’t quite explain. Write about the way your job makes you feel, or sometimes how it makes you not feel.

Write about your daydreams. Like the one where you and your love move to Ireland and work in little shops, barely getting by but having the adventure of your lives. Or how you move to a beach town and live for the beach and each other.

 

Write about Guatemala and how even after 4 years you can’t seem to get it out of your head and desperately want to go back and love on the beautiful people, while they teach you more than you could ever teach or do for them.

Write about your favorite songs and the memories they bring to mind. Write about college and the girl you were then, the things you learned and the ways you’ve seen yourself grow. Write your biggest dreams even they sound completely ridiculous. Put them out there. Don’t be afraid of them. Write about new hobbies or things you just try once. Write about the things love has taught you.

 Be bold. Be brave. Write.

Spiritual Blessings

This....just this...what joy, what hope, what love. 

Ephesians 1:4-14 

3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. 4 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. 5 God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. 6 So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son.[a] 7 He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. 8 He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.

9 God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure.10 And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. 11 Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God,[b]for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.

12 God’s purpose was that we Jews who were the first to trust in Christ would bring praise and glory to God.13 And now you Gentiles have also heard the truth, the Good News that God saves you. And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own[c] by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago.14 The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him.

Live

New Year. Resolutions. Lists. Actions. Intensions.

These things seem to go with each other.

I did make resolutions this year and I bought a notebook to list them out in and make a weekly plan of how I was going to accomplish these goals. As I was reading through all the things I had written, all the things my heart had said it wanted for this year, one word kept coming to mind. Live. That's what it all boiled down to. Really living, packing life into each and every day. Not just existing, but being full of life. There is so much to see and do and feel and love and if you spend each day just going through the motions you can miss it.

So I have a LIVE notebook and a LIVE list and these are just things that will help me stay on track. That will help me to take full advantage of this blessed life that I have been given. What a tragedy to waste these breaths on TV shows and this imaginary world on the internet (not that either of those things are bad, but when they take over, they are life sucking and toxic).

This is a big year for me, and one that I am excited to fully live in.

Introverts

I am finding that the older I get, the more introverted I am. I read this article yesterday and I identified with just about every single one.

I wish/hope my friends understand that when I turn down a party, or leave early, or look like I am not having a good time because I am quiet or by myself for a few moments, that it has nothing to do with them, or the party. I am probably having a good time, or have had a good time, and I definitely appreciate the invite. It's just that I am probably totally exhausted by the people. Or I just don't have it in me to venture into a room full of people I may or may not know and small talk. It's scary and exhausting. At the same time, please don't think I want you to stop inviting me. Please invite me. I want to be a part of things..I just may not want to be a part of everything. 

I would love to go to lunch or coffee or dinner or a drink with you and maybe on or two others. I would talk and laugh and have a wonderful time, because you see, I can handle a small crowd in a manageable setting. So have some grace and understanding with this introvert when she doesn't show up or seems less than enthused after a few minutes at a party. She loves you. Then, offer her a cup of coffee and a little one on one. 

Taking Stock

Making : myself cozy on the couch, after my workout. The fire is going, the tree is lit and I'm enjoying some of my favorite "girl" shows.

Cooking : Not much since Thanksgiving. I have left overs for days. BUT, I think today was the last day I could choke them down. The cooking starts again tomorrow. 
Drinking : Water. How lame, yet healthy. Trying to stay hydrated this winter. 
Reading : Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist  and I am loving it! I forgot it was on my Kindle and i just started reading it again. So inspiring to live your life with joy and in every moment. I am also still reading The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. Of course, this is still amazing and also still kicking my butt. I have got myself a lot of things to learn and work on in this marriage thing. 
Wanting : to find everyone the perfect gifts for Christmas! Also, to find a great place to volunteer this holiday season. 
Looking: forward to doing all sorts of holday activities with Steve. Making Christmas cookies, driving to look at lights, watching Christmas movies etc.
Playing: Christmas music. all the time. 
Wasting: leftovers. I just can't eat one more bite of turkey.
Sewing: I should probably just remove this category, because
Wishing: for it to snow. 
Enjoying: All the holiday things. 
Waiting: for Steve to call me after his lessons are done. 
Liking: the puppy cuddles I am getting right now. 
Wondering: where we will be living this time next year. What home will I be decorating for Christmas with my new husband? 
Loving: the way Steve asks me to marry him again and again in the middle of everyday moments. 
Hoping: that I convey everyday how thankful I am for this life I have been so graciously given.
Marveling: at how amazingly gracious and giving my parents are.
Needing: to check a few things off my wedding to-do list 
Smelling: my new pecan pie candle.
Wearing: workout pants, a long sleeve shirt and bare feet. It's a cozy night. 
Following: my to-do list. It's never ending and it's almost ALL wedding. 
Noticing: how happy a lit Christmas Tree and fireplace can make a person. 
Knowing: that this year is going to be over before I know it. I only hope I make the most of what's left of it. 
Thinking: about how I only have 5 months left of being a Witt, and being totally weirded out by that.
Bookmarking: all the gold glitter DIY decorations for our wedding. 
Opening: Instagram. I might have a problem. 
Giggling: what? What is the world am I supposed to put here?
Feeling: sleepy. 

Putting the Marriage Above the Wedding

The wedding is pretty much the only thing on my mind these days. Wedding dresses, wedding planning, wedding countdown, engagement pictures, if it's part of a wedding, it's on my mind. In fact, my mom and MOH are coming in TONIGHT and we are going to find me a perfect dress for this big day. 

But with all this talk and focus on the wedding, sometimes I forgot that I need to be putting twice (probably more like 124738947491) as much effort into preparing for our marriage. We have been reading "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller and it has been fantastic. Last night I read a section that just rocked me a little bit and I haven't been able to get it off my mind. He is talking about the meaning of marriage and he says " Each spouse should see the great thing that Jesus is doing in the life of their mate through the Word, the gospel. Each spouse then should give him or herself to be a vehicle for that work and envision the day that you will stand together before God, seeing each other presented in spotless beauty and glory". Wow. The whole meaning of marriage is to become holy, to see the potential in your spouse and do whatever you can to help get them there. Keller says the only way to truly do that, is to have a deep spiritual friendship. You must be friends in order for you to be able to help your spouse in their journey to holiness. This is a big responsibility and one that needs our full attention. In the next chapter he is going to talk about ways to do that for our spouse. I can't wait to see what practical ways he uses to do this. 

There are times where it all seems so terrifying and I can't help but think " how in the world am I going to do this?", but that's just it isn't it? In this world, we can't do it. We must completely empty ourselves and fling ourselves at our Savior. I think that's the only way to do this thing.

Fall Wish List

You wouldn't think that with work and planning a wedding I would be able to think about anything else..but I'm still a girl. And I still love fashion, and fall. So here is a little fall wish list I have!

This sweater

This "to the moon and back" print

This American Eagle Jacket

This bathtub caddy for those cold nights spent reading in the tub.

This scarf for those extra cold days

And lastly, this book to curl up with and get lost in.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Hi all. Sorry thing have been pretty quite over here. Ever since we got engaged life has been absolutely crazy. First, I work in the tax department, which means that from September-October 15th work is INSANE. I was working 12 hour days all week and all weekend. This barely left time for sleeping or seeing my fiance, so blogging just didn't make the cut.

When work has its momentary lulls, I am working on planning this wedding! Let me tell you, we haven't gotten very far. BUT, we did just decide on a DATE AND A VENUE!! I'm not giving any details yet, but let me tell you it is going to be PERFECT! We found a venue and a setting that fits us perfectly and we just can't wait to see it all come together. Since we found the place and set a date, all of the other 298798797983724 details have started racing through my mind. I've hardly been able to think about anything else! It's overwhelming and exciting and wonderful all at once. So, please forgive me if my posting is a little sparse until after the 15th, but I'm just trying to keep my head above water over here.

I hope those of you who stop by will keep coming back!

Oh Darling, Let's Be Adventurers

Let me tell you a story. A story about love between a boy and girl who decided to go on a big adventure.

First, there is a little back story. Anyone who knows our story knows that we had a rough and complicated start. But we were friends, good friends and one day we went on a day trip to Chattanooga (a nearby city that we have both come to LOVE). On that trip we went to Raccoon Mountain. We walked and talked and I think that is when we started falling in love (even if I wouldn't admit it yet). That trip was special and it has stuck out in both of our minds for the past 2 years.

OK, so back to our engagement. We were headed to Chattanooga for Labor Day weekend. We had both had a rough summer and Steve had just gotten back from a 3 week tour in Canada. Chattanooga is one of our favorite cities and we were so excited to get away from everything and just enjoy ourselves.

**Now Steve and I had gone to look at rings several weeks back, but I really didn't think he had one yet. So even though it was always in the back of my mind, I was not expecting him to propose this soon.

My office closed early on Friday and that morning Steve text me and suggested we go to Raccoon Mountain on the way into town. I said I thought it would be a great idea. So after work, I ran home and finished packing a few things and we were on the road. About 30 minutes in we hit AWFUL traffic. Standstill, hour wasted traffic. Around this time Steve started getting very frustrated, I just thought he was annoyed with traffic and kept assuring him it was fine and that we were in no hurry. This didn't really help.

The closer we got to Chattanooga the more anxious he got. He was so worried that we wouldn't make it to the mountain before the sun went down. I kept telling him it was ok, that we could come back tomorrow, but he was not having it. At one point, he said "It's really important to me that we make it to the mountain tonight". So, to the mountain we went!

As we started up the mountain Steve was going about 50 (don't worry Mom, he was being safe!) just to make it in time. At this point I started thinking that MAYBE this could be it, but kept telling myself to stop because if it wasn't I would just be disappointed. Once we got to the top, there was a gate that closed at 7:30, it was 7:15. Steve had the most defeated look on his face, but we raced up the rest of the mountain.

We pulled  up to a beautiful overlook and Steve jumped out of the car. We stood there for about 20 seconds before he turned to me and said "I'm being really weird aren't i?" to which I agreed. Then he started in on his speech and slowly started to reach into his pocket. I couldn't stop saying "What are you doing? Oh my gosh, what are you doing?" Then he got on his knee and proposed.

After some freaking out, we prayed together. This was the most precious moment of the whole day. Standing there with the man I just agreed to love for the rest of my life, praying for our future to Love Himself.

We snagged a quick picture and then had to rush back to the gate before it closed!

We made all the important phone calls and celebrated with those we love most. There were lots of squeals and smiles. Then we celebrated with champagne and dreaming about the future and spent the rest of the weekend in engaged bliss.

We haven't set a date yet, but all I know is that I cannot wait to marry my best friend.

Today I believe:

Today I believe:

- A clean home really does make for a "clean" mind.

- That puppy kisses and cuddles are just about one of the best things at the end of the day.

- Being loved by someone is the most amazing, mysterious, and humbling thing to experience.

- We should stop living for the weekend and live in this moment, in all it's fullness.

- Listing what you are thankful for makes you forget all the things you were just upset about.

- That family was meant to be close. We were not meant to live so far from one another.

....

So I've been moving (meaning that I moved last week and am still trying to unpack a week later) and Steve is FINALLY back which means my time has been totally taken up by boxes and boy. I'll be back soon.

Beauty.

What does that word mean? What deserves it's name? Is it the shape of a face, the color of hair, the style of clothes? Is it flowers and mountains and oceans? Is it love and laughter and compassion?

It is often so easy to forget what true beauty is. To remember that beauty is: Courage and love and joy and acceptance and sharing those things with those around you. It's loving with your whole life, the one that created it. It's looking at yourself and the person you are and seeing a perfect child of the King and accepting who that is. It's letting go of expectations and stereotypes and letting yourself be truly you, mess and all. It's the daily fight to take that next step to being the person you know you were created to be, no matter how hard or scary it is. It's seeing the beauty in the small and seemingly un-beautiful. It's laughter and sharing your deepest parts of yourself with someone. It's trust and abandon. It's serving and putting yourself last. It's thanksgiving and awe. 

That is beauty. Those things are worthy of the name. Let us not forget today. Let us be beautiful.