I am sitting here in the quiet of the morning, coffee in hand, struggling.
Struggling to find words.
Struggling to process what is going on inside me.
My heart is heavy.
I am discouraged, frustrated, scared, unsure and lonely.
I am discouraged because I am having
zero luck finding a job. Not just landing a job, but even finding a position to apply for. This can mean 3 things. Either the job market is absolutely horrible and there are no positions right for me, or the positions right for me are not posted online and can be better found while living in the city, or that I just suck at looking. All three of these options are discouraging.
I am frustrated because this is not how I pictured this going. Every other summer for 4 years I have had a plan. I was either going out of the country or moving to another city. I always had something to look forward to and a new incredible experience in a new incredible place. But not this summer. The one summer where I actually have to find something, and I can't. Part of that is my fault. I put too much confidence in the idea that I would find "my perfect job". Frustrating. I have discovered that I am a dreamer. Not a realist. And this time, that hurt me. I should have been more realistic and diligent about this whole thing. I could have gone on a mission trip, I could have moved somewhere blindly like I have in the past, but instead I didn't do anything and now here I am stuck and struggling. Frustrating.
I'm scared. I'm scared of this next part of life. Actually terrified might be a better word. I'm scared of actually getting a job, because I'm scared I'll fail. That I won't be able to do the things required of me to do. That I'll get in the position and freeze up, that all the things I've learned and the growth I've made these past four years will disappear and I will be the shy, quiet girl who cries when she messes up, that I won't be able to handle new things or pressure to perform, that I'll crumple and fail.
I'm lonely. I am NOT alone. I have my family, I have friends here and I know that they are here for me, that they support me, that they love me. I feel that, I know that. But, I am still lonely. Yes, my family understands to an extent. They have all been where I am in a way. This whole, "now I have to be an adult" stage. But none of them have been in it like I am. They cannot fully understand my situation or how I'm feeling. This is not their fault at all. See, I am the only one in my immediate family that has not been married by now. My parents got married when they were 18 and my brother and sister in law got married when they were 19. So, they have never gone through this alone. They don't know what it's like to be single and starting a whole new life. It's terrifying. Yes, it definitely has its advantages. I don't have to worry about providing for anyone, no one else is depending on me. This is a relief. If I fail, no one but me pays the consequences. I also don't have to think about anyone else and their dreams and callings when I decide how to follow mine. These are all good things. But I am alone, I won't have someone to come home to, to stand by me through it all, to help support me. This is where it's hard, and scary.
I miss my friends. I miss that support group of people who knew exactly what I am going through, who are going through it with me. It's really hard being ripped away from the people who have become family to you and knowing that it will never be like it was, knowing that time is over. It leaves a kind of hole, one that I know will be filled again, but a hole nonetheless.
That is as well as I can explain what I am feeling.
But this is what I know.
I am not under any illusion that God is not here through this, that he doesn't care or isn't giving me what I need. I know he is. I know this, I trust this. He is here and he has his plan and his timing. I can look back in my life and see that he has never failed me yet and know that he never will. It may not be what I planned or hoped or when I planned or hoped, but it will be perfect. It will be exactly what I need. This truth has never left my mind. This is not what I am struggling with.
Neither is trusting. I completely trust him and give over my dreams to him. I don't doubt for a second that this was always in his plan and that what comes next has been as well.
I am reading the book "Plan B" by Pete Wilson right now. It is about when your dreams shatter, when life isn't turning out how you thought, when you have to turn to Plan B. what do you do? how do you think? It has been so good for me right now. So many times I think that there is no way what I just read was originally in the book, that God must have supernaturally re-written those words just for me, just for right now. So many times it has reminded me of the truths I talked about. Here are some things that hit me, that are exactly what I needed:
Your dreams may not be happening, and things aren't turning out the way you expected, but that doesn't mean your life is spinning out of control. It just means you're not in control.
(Talking about the Israelites when God told them to cross the Jordan river, when it was at it's flood point, to get to the promised land) They will not see God's power, they will not experience his faithfullness, until they get their feet wet.
We have to move before we're sure. We have to step into the floodwaters while they're still gushing past us. And doing that takes courage.
You will fear it until you surrender it.
And yet the truth is that God is more powerfully present even when he seems more apparently absent.
He knows what you're going through. He is right beside you, sharing your pain, even though he may not take it away. And he knows what he's doing with your life, even if you don't....Let it ease your mind and your heart. Let it bring you strength and courage and peace and comfort.
These moments are crucial because God is trying to get you to the place where you can't handle things on your own, where you are willing to surrender your plans in order to receive his.
Even when you're going through all that God is still with you. But don't think that means it takes away your pain, anger, disappointment, and loss in that moment. Don't think you won't feel the sting of injustice
We are called to be faithful to God even when it seems he hasn't been faithful to us. We're called to love him even when we feel abandoned. We're called to look for him even in the midst of the darkness. We're called to worship him even through our tears.
So this is where I'm at.( I apologize for the RIDICULOUSLY long post, but it was necessary. ) I am at the place where I know God is with me, but he has not taken away the hard stuff. It is one of those places where trusting is hard and painful and where God does not take that away. Where I must go through this in order to fully depend on him. Where it's more about who I am becoming than where I am going. This is where I am
