A punch in the gut

I am reading the book "Plan B" by Pete Wilson.
I've mentioned it before here.

It's a book about dealing with life when things don't go as we planned them.
Chapter 10 is titled "Anchor". The whole chapter is great (as is the entire book) and has a lot of powerful things to say (again, as does the entire book. beware this book will beat you up, in the best possible way). But the part of the book that beat me the hardest talks about idols.

He quotes Ezekiel 8-19 where the body of Christ is basically called a whore. Yes a whore. A prostitute. Seem harsh? It's not. It's complete truth. A hard truth to swallow. None of us want to admit that we are a whore, I mean, that's not something you want to tell people. But we cannot deny it.

We have many other lovers. We have denied our first love, our best love and called other lovers into our bedchambers. We have idols.

An idol is simply the thing we take, other than God, and make it our ultimate focus. I don't think there is one of us who can say we have never done this, that something or someone has not been more of a focus to us than God. Me least of all.

So how do we figure out what our idols are? (i'm betting that it is actually easier than we think, that we actually right now know what it is.) Louie Giglio says that we should follow the trail. What do we give our: time, affections, energy, money, and allegiance to? Seriously, do it. It's not pretty. I don't think I can put God at the front of any of those trails. And that breaks my heart. That the throne is not constantly filled by my Savior, my Jesus.

God tells us later in Ezekiel (16:29-42) that he will let us chase after our other lovers, but that we should know that they will hurt us, disappoint us, ruin us, betray us.

I am ashamed. Broken. How can I give my devotion to t.v. or the internet, or a broken relationship, or the pursuit of a job, or a dream, or even my family, over Christ.

How?

I want to change this. Desperately.

How?

By becoming aware of it. By writing this. By asking those in my life to call me out when they see it happening. By Christ's power. Not alone that's for sure. By allowing myself to be allured by God. By remembering that God has been faithful to us and demands our allegiance in return, that he wants us to pursue him even over our dreams and desires.

Let change begin in me.

wonderful

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How He Loves

I have posted this song before, but I think it's worth posting again.
I have been listening to this song for the past couple nights as I fall asleep. And I think it would be a good way to start the day as well.
In a time where emotions are running wild, remembering this truth is comforting.
The hole is much smaller, the breathing easier.

This is going to be another honest, raw post.
Ye be warned...

These days, I constantly feel like at any second I could break down, like anything could send me into a crying fit.

And sometimes it happens. When I see a group of people who are close, who are there for each other, always. Who live life together. It happens. It can be real people, or fake people. Fake people? yes, that's what I said. People on a tv show, in a book, a movie.

A song.

A memory.

Honestly, just about anything.

I feel like there is a hole in my chest and for the past month and a half it has literally been hard to breathe.

Well I must give credit where credit is due, I didn't write this.
Meg did. Check her out. She has a way with words and stories that I wish I had.
I haven't read anything that relates so perfectly to what I've felt.


Not Quite Closure:

she sat in a chair just a few feet from his.

she fingered the wine glass in front of her.

watched as he joked with his friends across the table.

listened to their conversations. smiled.

the bar was crowded. joyous in it's teeming capacity.

everyone knew everyone else.

the atmosphere was one of celebration and beginning. the start of something.

she felt so full with it all.

and yet.

she eyed the packet of cigarettes in front of him.

he hadn't smoked when they'd known each other.

he wold turn to ask her a question, and she couldn't find the man she'd once cared for in his eyes.

she felt as though she was sitting next to a stranger. couldn't equate this person with the man she'd gone on all those dates with, the man she'd had countless daydreams about.

she knew what he was doing. well, she thought she did.

it was protection, this closing off. she understood.

he was perfectly polite. perfectly kind. it had been nice of him to include her. but he was so far away. the three feet between them belied a far greater distance.

had she hurt him? was that was this was?

she was having two experiences at once. she was enjoying her wine, enjoying meeting new people, laughing even. and yet, the person she had come for was changed in a way that she couldn't quite touch.

there was no sense of any history. any past.

and because the man sitting next to her was not the man she had loved she wondered if that man had ever existed. perhaps not.

and just like that, with that one thought, all the memories of the two of them together became memories of her alone. without. how quickly he dissolved from the images her mind paged through on slow, yawning afternoons.

it was then. and only then that she first felt her heart break. and oh how she hated that phrase. heart. break. but there it was.

never had she felt so alone. in the midst of the crowded bar. among friends and new faces she was unspeakably, unutterably alone.

she had loved him. just a little. or started to at least. she hadn't meant to hurt him. certainly not that. but mistakes are made.

so she finished her second glass of wine. kissed him on the cheek. and walked out. alone.

The battle,
I've found it never ends.
My mind races and my heart aches.
But this time,
I'm stronger.
This time,
I'll win