{}

I'm stubborn.
For those of you who REALLY know me, this is no surprise to you (my family knows this ALL to well).
I don't like it about myself . I hate it actually, but in the moment I just can't seem to help digging my heels in. Even when in my heart I believe the complete opposite of how I am reacting.

I bring this up for a reason, and it also has to do with my last post. See, I was in the running for a job. A really good job that sounded perfect. A job with normal working hours and a job that got me back into my passion (music). I made it to the final 2 and really really felt like I was going to be the one who got that phone call that would change my life, the phone call I have been waiting to get since I graduated last May. But, I didn't. Instead I got that dreaded e-mail simply telling me they had decided to offer the position to someone else. Kind of like a Dear John letter. Rejection. Painful rejection.

Not only was it rejection (which I don't care how "strong" you are or what the circumstances are, always hurts), but it was my dream seeming to be slipping away, it was realizing I was still stuck in a job I felt was sucking the life out of me, it was all those past feelings of rejection that had NOTHING to do with this job rushing back to surface. It was all the conversations I pictured having telling my friends and family I had a job I was proud of, that I finally made it, shifting to conversations of explaining, "No I still just work part-time as a receptionist", "I didn't get the job" etc.. Even though it was just one job, and just one rejection, it seemed so much bigger to me. It WAS so much bigger to me.

So after some tears (ok, lots of tears) came the processing. The Spirit whispers of "are you going to choose to not only trust me, but to wait on me?" The knowing that this was not the end, that God had not dropped me, that he was STILL not going to let me drown. The realization that if I truly looked at it, I'm not completely sure I even want to work in the Christian music industry. The honest, angry talks with God.

In the midst of all that came lots of conversations with close friends that knew about the situation and my family. In those conversations, that stubbornness shone through like a champ. I was angry, I didn't want to hear their encouraging or Godly words, it wasn't ok, and everything sucked. Even if right before the conversation I felt at peace, I knew truth, as soon as someone else tried to tell it to me I fought it. They were wrong! There were NO other jobs out there. This was the ONLY one (a side effect of stubbornness is a loss of grip on reality and a strong surge of drama queen). I was short and rude and completely not the woman of God I hoped I was. I didn't want everything to be ok. I wanted to be angry and feel hopeless (seriously, who does that?).

So instead of responding to this situation a confident woman of God who does not doubt the love and plan of her Father and is thankful for all of the blessings she has, I threw a fit. I dug my heels in and didn't let those around me see the peace and hope He longs to give to us.

Well, today I am changing that. If you were one of those people who saw that less than flattering side of me, I apologize. Today I choose to be thankful.

Thankful for a job that allows me to write this blog while at work, and read countless books. A job that pays VERY well for what I am required to do and has people there that I truly enjoy.

Thankful for friends who bless my life daily. Who challenge me and speak truth into my life.

Thankful to live in a city where I am surrounded by a culture of music. It's everywhere, I can't escape it and it couldn't make me happier.

And thankful for parents who support me, in every possible way. With out them, there is no way I could be in this place, chasing the dream I believe God has placed in my heart. There will never be an adequate way to thank them for all they have done for me.

Even though it still hurts and it still sucks, I choose to believe truth, to act on that truth and to live fully and thankfully in this moment.