Re-focusing

I made a decision this last weekend.
For the past year I have felt semi lost. I haven't known what to do with myself. My dream of working in the music business seemed to have faded and I had no idea what I wanted to do instead. And I thought I needed to. That at 23 I needed to have my life figured out, and since I suddenly didn't, I was failing. I felt like a failure, that I had nothing in my life to be proud about, that people looked at me and saw a average, girl with nothing special to offer. I was ashamed, and scared and felt like I was going to be stuck in this passionless, confused, "pointless" life forever. Looking back, all of those feelings were silly, but they were real, and they were overwhelming. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep and not seeing any solution to this problem. I mean, sure I had a great church I loved, I was leading a awesome small group, I had an incredible group of friends and I even eventually got my love life figured out and started dating the most wonderful man. But no, that didn't matter. I didn't have a career, a job I was proud of or loved going to. So I must be failing. Forget the people who are slaves to their jobs/careers that never see their family or have time for friends, forget the people who would give anything to have the support group I had or a boyfriend who treated them the way Steve treats me, or to just feel loved. That's not important. A job, now THAT'S what this life is all about. Right?

Wait...what?!? How twisted and stupid is that logic? It's pretty stupid.

So I decided to stop. To stop obsessing over what the rest of my life was going to look like. What job I was going to have or what new passions were going to rise. It doesn't matter. What I do doesn't matter. It does not define my worth or who I am. I will get it figured out.

Until then, I have decided to make my relationships, the people in my life, my passion. They are what really matters anyway. I want to be the best friend I can be to the wonderful people in my life. I want to call more, to listen more, to be there more.  I want them to know without hesitation that no matter what they could count on me to be there, to listen, to care. I want to be the best girlfriend I can be to Steve. I want learn how to love him the best way I can, they way he needs me to. I want to play and laugh and listen and talk and never have him  wonder how I feel and to just grow with this wonderful man God has blessed me with. I am one lucky girl and I never want to forget that. I want to be the best daughter/sister/grand daughter I can be. I want to call more, to share with them what is going on in my life, to know what's going on in theirs. I want to be open to and aware of the people around me, whether it be at work or walking down the street, or in a restaurant, I want to see people, to care about them and for that to be known. This is what matters most.

And this is what will be my focus.