Up North

Headed to Michigan this morning with my guy. Gonna meet the family and friends. He's playing at a youth retreat and asked me to come along. Should be a great trip. It is also going to be FREEZING up there. I'll have an update when I return....if I survive the cold...

Re-focusing

I made a decision this last weekend.
For the past year I have felt semi lost. I haven't known what to do with myself. My dream of working in the music business seemed to have faded and I had no idea what I wanted to do instead. And I thought I needed to. That at 23 I needed to have my life figured out, and since I suddenly didn't, I was failing. I felt like a failure, that I had nothing in my life to be proud about, that people looked at me and saw a average, girl with nothing special to offer. I was ashamed, and scared and felt like I was going to be stuck in this passionless, confused, "pointless" life forever. Looking back, all of those feelings were silly, but they were real, and they were overwhelming. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep and not seeing any solution to this problem. I mean, sure I had a great church I loved, I was leading a awesome small group, I had an incredible group of friends and I even eventually got my love life figured out and started dating the most wonderful man. But no, that didn't matter. I didn't have a career, a job I was proud of or loved going to. So I must be failing. Forget the people who are slaves to their jobs/careers that never see their family or have time for friends, forget the people who would give anything to have the support group I had or a boyfriend who treated them the way Steve treats me, or to just feel loved. That's not important. A job, now THAT'S what this life is all about. Right?

Wait...what?!? How twisted and stupid is that logic? It's pretty stupid.

So I decided to stop. To stop obsessing over what the rest of my life was going to look like. What job I was going to have or what new passions were going to rise. It doesn't matter. What I do doesn't matter. It does not define my worth or who I am. I will get it figured out.

Until then, I have decided to make my relationships, the people in my life, my passion. They are what really matters anyway. I want to be the best friend I can be to the wonderful people in my life. I want to call more, to listen more, to be there more.  I want them to know without hesitation that no matter what they could count on me to be there, to listen, to care. I want to be the best girlfriend I can be to Steve. I want learn how to love him the best way I can, they way he needs me to. I want to play and laugh and listen and talk and never have him  wonder how I feel and to just grow with this wonderful man God has blessed me with. I am one lucky girl and I never want to forget that. I want to be the best daughter/sister/grand daughter I can be. I want to call more, to share with them what is going on in my life, to know what's going on in theirs. I want to be open to and aware of the people around me, whether it be at work or walking down the street, or in a restaurant, I want to see people, to care about them and for that to be known. This is what matters most.

And this is what will be my focus.

2011

Ok, here we go. A look back at 2011. It was quite a year...there were tears, lots of tears, and laughter and hope and disappointment and friendships gained and friendships lost.

I started mending a broken heart, and had hope for a new start.
I started leading my small group and met the people who would be my best friends and family.

There were nights of tears and fears and doubts and whispers from my Savior of hope and promise

Hopes for new jobs and disappointment and confusion that came with rejection.
Dreams let go of, and trust that new dreams would soon come
Met a group of friends that changed my life

Went to an epic U2 concert

Checked "be in a flash mob" off my bucket list as I danced to Michael Jackson's "Beat It" in the middle of Broadway in downtown Nashville
I started running and both hated and loved it
We moved into a new house and got a wonderful new roommate
I learned a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be but how they are always worth fighting for.
I started dating the boy who had become my best friend.

I fell in love.

And in-between all of that. I lived. I

Photo A Day

Doing this...I started just doing a photo a day of whatever I wanted, but I like this idea better. Starting on day 7 :) I'll be posting them on Instagram (keisharae87) and twitter.

An almost New Year's post

I keep meaning to/almost writing, a new years post, a reflection on the last year, and thoughts about the new. But the words keep getting stuck. I know they will unlodge themselves soon and then they will come rushing out. But until then, I sit quietly and think, remember, process, and hope.

Dear 2012

I found this on a blog that I follow, her name is Kristie, go check it out. She's a beautiful writer.  I think it's perfect. Beautiful "resolutions". So here's to 2012. Let's do this thing....

 This year I want to be honest, lovingly honest. I want to be myself so deeply that to meet me is to know me, and to read my words is see a bit of my soul. I want to be careful when I need to be, I want to love and protect the person inside while letting her be free; I want her to live life with reckless abandon. I want to stare at all this fear and know I can move forward anyway. I want to be a better friend, remember birthdays, share laughter, discover my voice. I want to enjoy fresh flowers and go on long walks. I want to loose track of time, take pictures, and write it down.

I want to dance, but you already knew that. I want to hear the music and feel the melodies in words, in books, in people, in myself. There must be movement, 2012. I need it. But I also need those sacred weekends for watching too many movies and leaving the bed unmade. I want one long lazy Saturday, nestled between the sheets, enjoying the stillness and knowing I can be completely myself and that is 100% okay. Now that I think about it, I'll take a few of those Saturdays...

I want to give. I want to share with others the joy I have found in loving, in living, in knowing there is something greater, something beyond me that has given me the strength to survive. I want my story to be bigger than just me. I don't know how, but I know there's a way and we can figure it out together. I want to offer hope, and truth, and joy, and give back the blessings I know this year will bring. I know goodness will come, 2012. It's no secret. It's in the cool mornings with warm sunbeams and hot tea, the changing leaves, and simple smiles. It is everywhere, falling into our lives and making the dreary days seem a bit more bearable.

I want to learn, and travel, and discover. I want to work and preferably make money; and if we could find someway to include writing and photography and Europe into that equation you'd be doing me a solid. I promise to work hard and I trust you'll do the same. We've got 12 months to make this all happen. And we'll do it one day at a time.

So cheers to you, 2012!