Do You See What I See

Sometimes my heart hurts.

Literally.

It hurts for my friends who seem to be loosing control.

It hurts for my friends who don't see the person they truly are, or could be if they got themselves out of this cycle they are caught in.

When they decide not to change the things they see in themselves that they don't like.

It hurts me.

It hurts to sit back and watch it happen. To look in their eyes and see this incredible man or woman they can be. I see it. I believe it, but they don't.

I want to put their face between my hands and tell them all these things until they believe it. Until the darkness they have plunged themselves in is pulled back.

I want to see the tears fill their eyes as they realize they've been doing this all wrong. That there is more. That they deserve more.

That they are loved more than they know and that they don't have to keep putting on this show. They can stop. And just be. Just breathe.

Today. My heart hurts. For them.

Because I know they are hurting. More than they let show.

Water For Elephants: A review

This weekend I saw Water For Elephants. I had read the book about a month ago and finished it in 2 days. It was good. It drew me in and I escaped to the circus life every time I picked it up. That is my favorite kind of book. The ones that instantly transport you somewhere else, with other people who you have come to love.

Anyway, I loved the book and was anxious to see the movie. I knew it would be different, I prepared myself for that. There is no way they could have taken all that was in the book and put it on the big screen and keep it a reasonable length. So I settled in with two of my friends who had not read the book and prepared to be transported once again to another world. One I had read about before but this time Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon would be there. And that was all right by me.

It was great. Yes, they breezed past the beginning too quickly for my taste, and you could not nearly get the depth of the story as in the book (again, I knew this is how it would be). But they did so well with it. Robert and Reese were breath taking and played the parts perfectly. I enjoyed almost every minute of it. (It was hard to "enjoy" the parts with the animal cruelty in them, even though they were necessary, I cringed and found my fists clenched when it was over). I was sad to see it end. It was like one more goodbye to the characters I had known and loved, and hated.

My friends who hadn't read the book absolutely loved it too, so it's good to know it goes both ways, whether you've read the book or not, you should see this movie. It's great.

Good Friday.

On Friday there was a sunrise too; it rose over chaos and confusion. And heaven began counting to three.

Today. I am speechless at the love showed for me.

Come out

This song.

May have made tears fill my eyes at work today.

Sometimes it's really hard to see other people in love.

(p.s. this girl, killing this song..ya that's my friend Kacie. She's pretty bomb and is moving to Nash for the summer and lord am I excited.)

Love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. -grey's anatomy

Some wisdom from Grey's Anatomy. Because too often we long after the people who could care less about us. I mean, they like us, they don't mind if we are around, in fact, they may enjoy it now and then, but they don't long for it. Their life isn't affected in any way if we aren't around ever. They don't really know much about us because they don't listen, or even ask. We are the convenient friend. And we push aside all the people in our lives who LOVE us. Who want us around, who ask and listen and remember and care truly truly care. And we hurt them, and if we aren't careful, we'll lose them. And we will regret it.

So just stop it. Stop chasing after the people who don't truly love you as you are right now. Every part of you. Every quirk and fault and beautiful thing about you. Because you deserve more. Love yourself enough to be loved. Because really, that is the most attractive, drawing quality a person can have.

Things I Love

Just a few things I love:

This record player. I want one so bad. There is just something about the way vinyl sounds that cannot be matched.

Boys who play the harmonica. Seriously. It may be strange but it may be my favorite thing.

This: truth.

Sometimes I need some reminders:

These leather tights. Yes. I want leather tights.

This hilarious Google image.

"I saw them standing there pretending to be just friends, when all the time in the world could not pry them apart."

— Brian Andreas

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I'm stubborn.
For those of you who REALLY know me, this is no surprise to you (my family knows this ALL to well).
I don't like it about myself . I hate it actually, but in the moment I just can't seem to help digging my heels in. Even when in my heart I believe the complete opposite of how I am reacting.

I bring this up for a reason, and it also has to do with my last post. See, I was in the running for a job. A really good job that sounded perfect. A job with normal working hours and a job that got me back into my passion (music). I made it to the final 2 and really really felt like I was going to be the one who got that phone call that would change my life, the phone call I have been waiting to get since I graduated last May. But, I didn't. Instead I got that dreaded e-mail simply telling me they had decided to offer the position to someone else. Kind of like a Dear John letter. Rejection. Painful rejection.

Not only was it rejection (which I don't care how "strong" you are or what the circumstances are, always hurts), but it was my dream seeming to be slipping away, it was realizing I was still stuck in a job I felt was sucking the life out of me, it was all those past feelings of rejection that had NOTHING to do with this job rushing back to surface. It was all the conversations I pictured having telling my friends and family I had a job I was proud of, that I finally made it, shifting to conversations of explaining, "No I still just work part-time as a receptionist", "I didn't get the job" etc.. Even though it was just one job, and just one rejection, it seemed so much bigger to me. It WAS so much bigger to me.

So after some tears (ok, lots of tears) came the processing. The Spirit whispers of "are you going to choose to not only trust me, but to wait on me?" The knowing that this was not the end, that God had not dropped me, that he was STILL not going to let me drown. The realization that if I truly looked at it, I'm not completely sure I even want to work in the Christian music industry. The honest, angry talks with God.

In the midst of all that came lots of conversations with close friends that knew about the situation and my family. In those conversations, that stubbornness shone through like a champ. I was angry, I didn't want to hear their encouraging or Godly words, it wasn't ok, and everything sucked. Even if right before the conversation I felt at peace, I knew truth, as soon as someone else tried to tell it to me I fought it. They were wrong! There were NO other jobs out there. This was the ONLY one (a side effect of stubbornness is a loss of grip on reality and a strong surge of drama queen). I was short and rude and completely not the woman of God I hoped I was. I didn't want everything to be ok. I wanted to be angry and feel hopeless (seriously, who does that?).

So instead of responding to this situation a confident woman of God who does not doubt the love and plan of her Father and is thankful for all of the blessings she has, I threw a fit. I dug my heels in and didn't let those around me see the peace and hope He longs to give to us.

Well, today I am changing that. If you were one of those people who saw that less than flattering side of me, I apologize. Today I choose to be thankful.

Thankful for a job that allows me to write this blog while at work, and read countless books. A job that pays VERY well for what I am required to do and has people there that I truly enjoy.

Thankful for friends who bless my life daily. Who challenge me and speak truth into my life.

Thankful to live in a city where I am surrounded by a culture of music. It's everywhere, I can't escape it and it couldn't make me happier.

And thankful for parents who support me, in every possible way. With out them, there is no way I could be in this place, chasing the dream I believe God has placed in my heart. There will never be an adequate way to thank them for all they have done for me.

Even though it still hurts and it still sucks, I choose to believe truth, to act on that truth and to live fully and thankfully in this moment.

Seriously, all I can do right now is keep breathing.

More on why to come when I can look at the screen without my eyes filling with tears..

Last week my parents came to visit. It was wonderful. I was in major need of some family time. My dad fixed countless things around the house, they took me grocery shopping, and to the mall for a little retail therapy. It's amazing what time with family will do for your mental health.

Here are some pics of the weekend:

We went to Arrington Vineyards, hung out in the sun and did some wine tasting. It was gorgeous and I actually got my parents to drink some wine.

It was TinPan South in Nashville and there was an incredible line up at Hard Rock on Saturday night. Trent Dabbs, Katie Herzig, Matthew Perryman Jones, Andrew Ripp, Amy Stroup, and Sandra McCracken.

Thanks Mom and Dad!!!

One Day

I am girl.

And because of this, sometimes I think about my one day wedding.

And when I think of it, I think that my one day husband and his groomsmen will be wearing something like this:

yup. rolled up pants and all. (well maybe not the argyle jacket/sweater thing that one guy's got goin on. I'm not about that.)

I've got this friend

I don't think you know her

She sings a simple song

It sounds a lot like his

Oh I've got this friend

Holding onto her heart

Like it's a little secret

Like it's all she's got to give

Ohh, if the right one came along....

(I've Got This Friend- The Civil Wars)

I will never love you more

I adore this.