I want to be brave

"The big thing is to love reality.Not live in the imagination, not in what could’ve been or what should’ve been or what can be."- J.Vanier

Something Beautiful

Graduation is in 12 weeks and right now it cannot come soon enough.

Lately my heart has yearned for something more. For a life other than this. It is dying to chase my dreams. To start a life and to do something with great meaning. My whole body aches with it.

Even though I know it's not true, school seems meaningless and shallow these days. I want more.

God has put this passion in my heart and it feels like it's about to burst at any second. I am literally itching to get to the next chapter. I read about others lives that are where I want to be and it takes a lot to not covet that.

I KNOW this is Satan attacking me and trying to make my last months here at JBU pass me by without being affective here. I am really trying to push those coveting and uncontent feelings and thoughts from my head. It's hard, but I'm trying.

I could really use your prayers in this. Pray for contentment. For motivation. To finish well. To make the most of my time here, of the relationships here.

I still can't wait to get to the next chapter (Nashville???? ;)) I'm not asking for that to go away, only that it will stop overwhelming my every thought and my attitude. I don't want to be that kind of woman, that kind of friend.

All these thoughts were really inspired by Joy Williams blog post. Read it here. I am going to use the poem she uses to close this off.

What We Want
by Linda Pastan

What we want
is never simple.
We move among the things
we thought we wanted:
a face, a room, an open book
and these things bear our names --
now they want us.
But what we want appears
in dreams, wearing disguises.
We fall past,
holding out our arms
and in the morning
our arms ache.
We don't remember the dream,
but the dream remembers us.
It is there all day
as an animal is there
under the table,
as the stars are there
even in full sun.

from Waiting for My Life (1981)

My heart cries out for you, my tears flow for you
Knowing you don't love Him, hurts worse than knowing you don't love me
Come back
You used to love
You used to care
I knew you then
Now, I can hardly recognize you
I see glimpses of the old you
The you I knew
Come back

Jimmy Needham-Not Without Love (Benediction)

You don't necessarily need to watch the video. Just listen, I think the video can be kind of distracting.




I tried Lord
I tried Lord
I tried hard to be Your good little boy
Chin up, head high
All zeal and no joy
Thinking all my good deeds could please Jesus
Boy, was I wrong
Though I knew the right songs, all my cymbals and gongs played the melodies wrong
And it wasn’t long ‘til I saw my disease
A life spent wanting to please
On hands and knees
To make right, to appease
God help me please
This can’t be Christianity, it can’t be
The whole thing’s like insanity
Where’s the rest of eternal security?
Where’s the hope of a God big enough to cope with all my hang-ups and insecurities?
Certainly this isn’t breathing
My chest burning and heaving
It’s like my pulse is ceasing
Like my heart quits beating
Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope:
You died, Lord
You died, Lord
Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn, the Father’s love song goes on
Drowning out my bitter songs
And breaking through walls and barriers
Christ swoops in, removes sin, picks up His bride and carries her
So I can sing in agreement with the King this thing:
There’s only one thing that pleases the Father
The God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers
Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers
And I’m finally free in the love of the Father
[ Not Without Love (Benediction) Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Quote found here