Random Thoughts On A Monday

These are some things I am currently thinking:
1. I really want to be by a beach today. To walk along the sidewalk and hear the waves crashing and to stop into a beach side diner and eat some amazing food and then get some ice cream and walk along the shore line.
2. Water without lemon is boring
3. I really want a bagel
4. I think that if it's February and its 65 degrees and sunny outside that it should be illegal to make me sit inside at a desk.
5. One of the main reasons I want a full time job is so that I can get a dog. Yes, to be more financially stable, to stop having to get so much money from my parents, to be responsible and an adult and blah blah blah, but mostly so I can get a dog. This dog to be specific:

6. I hate doctors appointments. hate. them.
7. People who look right at you when they walk by and don't smile bother me.
8. I enjoy making lists
9. It has been entirely too long since I have been to a concert. My soul needs a good live show
10. I wish someone had invented teleportation already. Distance, and time and money are stupid things to get in the way of seeing your family or friends.  stupid stupid stupid

The end.

Happy Monday

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you

I am currently sitting on Steve's bed while he plays guitar and I job search (till the end of time), with a cup of fresh coffee in my hand and the sun shining through the window warming my legs.  I don't mind this life. If only I could get paid for it. But for today I will enjoy it. I'll take in every moment, every smile from across the room, every resume sent in, every sip of bitter coffee, because this won't last forever, but today, it's mine, and I'm thankful.

23 years ago today

Today is Steve's birthday. 

I really like this day because you see it brought the boy I fell in love with.

So happy birthday Steve

I hope your day is perfect.

I love you.

Cry Fest 2012

OH my goodness. The past two days have been the worst. The. Worst. I don't want to go into all the dramatic detail but let's just say I have cried more in the past 2 days than I have in MONTHS. Which is maybe why I cried so much, there was too many stored up tears, when one fell, they ALL fell. I am a firm believer that sometimes you just need to cry. But I am NOT a firm believer that you need to full on break down over something that, yes was upsetting, but does not warrant a cry fest on the phone to your mom. But, regardless, that is what happened. Luckily, these days do end, and the next day or even the next hours look a little brighter.

Eating more, eating right and the rest of my week

So this last week has been kind of a rough one.Me and Steve got back from Michigan on Monday night (a post on that trip will be coming soon). Coming back to reality after vacation is never fun. We had gotten spoiled by getting to be together all the time for those 5 days and neither one of us were very excited about going back to sporadically seeing each other for a few hours here and there.

On Thursday night a dad called into the school where I work and proceeded to YELL at me because I didn't know what class his daughter was in and whether or not she made it to school safely (WHAT?! This is a college, not a babysitting service) He yelled and yelled and insulted me and cussed and yelled until he made me cry and then he hung up. Rude, so incredibly rude. I get a lot of angry parents on the phone who take our their frustrations on me and usually I can handle it, but Thursday it got to me and I cried for the first time at work. Stupid mean man.

Tuesday night I was walking into my house after work and all of a sudden got really hot and light headed, my vision got spotty and my hearing muffled. You know that feeling right before you're going to pass out? Ya, that one, just hit me. I made it to my room and laid on my bed but the feeling didn't pass. I was getting hot and then cold and I was really weak and my hands were shaking a lot. It was pretty scary actually. I had felt fine all day and then BAM my body freaked. out. So after calling my mom ( cause momma always knows best) I called Steve and he came over with all kinds of food to help get my blood sugar back up. We all assumed for some reason my blood sugar just dropped. We finally got my shaking under control and I fell asleep. The next morning I felt better but my hands were still shaking. As the day went on and the more I ate, the shaking went away. I felt better, but was still freaked out as to why my body had a little melt down out of nowhere.

Well it turns out it wasn't out of nowhere. That day I had a salad and a bag of Chex Mix to eat all day, that was it. I had also done a pretty good workout. I hadn't given my body what it needed, and not just for that one day. Apparently I had depriving my body of the amount of food it needed for quite some time. Sure I ate everyday and it was usually healthy, but I never ate much. I've never been one to eat a lot and not to mention money is tight so there isn't always an abundance of food choices around the house. I guess it finally caught up to me. Steve is pretty big on health stuff so you can bet I got a lecture on how much I was eating (in the most loving way possible of course), He calculated how many calories I need daily which is about 1900 (that seems like A LOT to me) Tuesday I had probably gotten 500 calories, max, so it's not wonder my body freaked.

Me and Steve made a deal that we would both start eating more and eating right. Neither one of us have done a good job of that lately and while at the moment it might not seem like that big of a deal in the long run it can cause all kinds of health problems and apparently I'm a little more sensitive to it than I thought. We have promised to eat out less in order to have money to always have food in our houses and to no longer skip meals.. I've eaten breakfast everyday (something I NEVER did) and have had 3 real meals with some healthy snacking in between. Granted it's only been 2 days, but hey you gotta start somewhere right? I definitely don't want a repeat of the other night, so here's to eating...a lot....

But the weekend is finally here and that means lots of uninterrupted time of hanging out with my guy, cooking delicious homemade meals, watching movies, only leaving the couch when absolutely necessary and of course on Sunday watching the Super Bowl with all of my favorite people. Hallelujah.  

Up North

Headed to Michigan this morning with my guy. Gonna meet the family and friends. He's playing at a youth retreat and asked me to come along. Should be a great trip. It is also going to be FREEZING up there. I'll have an update when I return....if I survive the cold...

Re-focusing

I made a decision this last weekend.
For the past year I have felt semi lost. I haven't known what to do with myself. My dream of working in the music business seemed to have faded and I had no idea what I wanted to do instead. And I thought I needed to. That at 23 I needed to have my life figured out, and since I suddenly didn't, I was failing. I felt like a failure, that I had nothing in my life to be proud about, that people looked at me and saw a average, girl with nothing special to offer. I was ashamed, and scared and felt like I was going to be stuck in this passionless, confused, "pointless" life forever. Looking back, all of those feelings were silly, but they were real, and they were overwhelming. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep and not seeing any solution to this problem. I mean, sure I had a great church I loved, I was leading a awesome small group, I had an incredible group of friends and I even eventually got my love life figured out and started dating the most wonderful man. But no, that didn't matter. I didn't have a career, a job I was proud of or loved going to. So I must be failing. Forget the people who are slaves to their jobs/careers that never see their family or have time for friends, forget the people who would give anything to have the support group I had or a boyfriend who treated them the way Steve treats me, or to just feel loved. That's not important. A job, now THAT'S what this life is all about. Right?

Wait...what?!? How twisted and stupid is that logic? It's pretty stupid.

So I decided to stop. To stop obsessing over what the rest of my life was going to look like. What job I was going to have or what new passions were going to rise. It doesn't matter. What I do doesn't matter. It does not define my worth or who I am. I will get it figured out.

Until then, I have decided to make my relationships, the people in my life, my passion. They are what really matters anyway. I want to be the best friend I can be to the wonderful people in my life. I want to call more, to listen more, to be there more.  I want them to know without hesitation that no matter what they could count on me to be there, to listen, to care. I want to be the best girlfriend I can be to Steve. I want learn how to love him the best way I can, they way he needs me to. I want to play and laugh and listen and talk and never have him  wonder how I feel and to just grow with this wonderful man God has blessed me with. I am one lucky girl and I never want to forget that. I want to be the best daughter/sister/grand daughter I can be. I want to call more, to share with them what is going on in my life, to know what's going on in theirs. I want to be open to and aware of the people around me, whether it be at work or walking down the street, or in a restaurant, I want to see people, to care about them and for that to be known. This is what matters most.

And this is what will be my focus.